Lonely

may 25,2019

when I hangout with my family I feel they forget about me even though I’m right there or that they don’t want me there. I feel no matter how much I try I just feel pushed aside. I make thing’s worse.

I feel like I’m constantly being watched. I look around expecting someone to be there watching me.

they took me off all my med’s because the doctor thought that the mood stabilizer wasn’t helping with my depression not realizing it helped a lot with my ocd. the anti depressant I was put on made me almost kill myself so now I am on nothing. I have been on the one med since I was eight years old and I am struggling badly.

may 26,2019

my thought’s are making less since to me like they are all jumbled around and they keep coming. I feel I don’t fit in this world anymore, like I’m a puzzle piece that got broken and no longer connect to the other pieces.

Are people taking me seriously? It feel’s so real to me with the suicidal thoughts. when I was on the anti depressants they made it a lot worse.

I feel such a strong urge to bash my head in.

To stab myself in the stomach.

To cut myself on my wrist and watch my life’s blood come out.

When I picture myself doing these thing’s I feel at peace. what if i unconsciously do something because I think and picture it all the time, it would be a relief. I would be at peace.

one of my step dad’s family members a couple years back killed himself. I don’t see it as morbid anymore like I used to. I could be with my grandma again.

I’m in limbo right now and it makes me feel like nobody cares, that they think I won’t do it. They are wrong about that. I’m not on any med’s right now and don’t know how long I have to wait until my doctor try’s again.

How long can I hold on until I no longer can or even wan’t to. I did my part I got help if they can’t help I have only one option left.

When should someone even consider hospitalization?

I don’t know where I stand anymore, which way I should lean. Towards life or death? I’m tilting more towards death. The only person that I believe know’s how bad things really are is my mom. The first med they put me on had her very worried. She told me she doesn’t want to lose a daughter to suicide. She knows how close to the edge I was.

I don’t know what I would do if the next med does the same thing, reach out or let myself fall?

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