Wen’t to mentor today. I’m feeling exhausted like I have no energy and haven’t slept in a long time.
I’m enjoying the sun today.
I have started to pace, I feel like I have so much energy and just need to keep walking.
I’m so numb I just want to feel again. I had the urge to smash my head through the car window today. Been so agitated and get so upset at my family without reason.
My mind is racing and I try to keep up when talking and my words get slurred beacuse I’m talking so fast.
When I had cut myself I was seeing if hurting myself would stop the urges
I’m afraid that this med I am on now is doing the same things as the last one. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world and to think I might have to keep going through this until they find the right med it’s torture.
The OCD is making all this worse by replaying my thoughts over and over of wanting to kill myself it feels like inhuman torture. If I had severe burns I would be taken cared of and people would understand that what I’m going through is real beacuse they could see it. I’m going through my own silent war not knowing which side is going to win and caring less and less of the outcome as long as this pain and hurt goes away. I feel like I can scream help as loud and as much as I want but nobody is going to come running beacuse they can’t see what is going on inside my head and think everything is fine.
When I think of different ways I could kill myself, I feel a sense of peace and that is what scares me. I have a case manager now but because of my autism it’s hard to talk to her and know what I’m supposed to talk about and to open up because I have trust issues. It feels like a game of roulette I’m playing by myself can I get help before the bullet gets fired before it’s GAME OVER?
It’s becoming the norm to go through the actions that are required for the day but feeling like it wasn’t even me, that i wasn’t even really there. The hard part is that my family can see that somethings wrong even the kids. i cant even pretend I’m having fun or am OK anymore. I’m getting lost in my head. the only relief i have found is sleep and that doesn’t work the best because I’m not sleeping very good.