When it all started going down hill

May 11,2019

It’s mother’s day tomorrow and I’m excited but also worried beacuse on special days I feel like at the end of the day that it’s a distant memory and that I wasn’t even there it’s a sad strange feeling.

I want the thoughts and pictures of how I could hurt and kill myself out of my head it makes life harder to deal with. I also get thoughts like “do it” and “do it now” pushing me to hurt or kill myself. I’m fighting with myself not knowing what I truly want. My plan of taking pills and a knife going outside in the woods leaning on a tree and overdosing and using the knife if the pills don’t work I keep thinking about it. When I was on a certain antidepressant I almost couldn’t fight the urge and would of killed myself if it wasn’t for my family now I can fight the urges.

I want the feeling of having a quality of life again. I feel beacuse I don’t open up easy and come off shy to people other then my family that people don’t take me seriously.

I miss my little grandma she was little hence the name little grandma. I miss her so much and want to be in heaven with her.

I feel so drained all the time and just don’t have much energy that sometimes geting through the day is torture. My mind is always going and beacuse of my OCD thoughts are playing over and over like a broken record. My depressed thoughts.

It seems like I am on a roller coaster with UPS and downs. I want to have interest in things I enjoy doing again.

May 12,2019

I’m so tired and I can’t seem to wake up. I went to bed at around 10:30pm and woke up at 7:00am. I feel like taking all my pills and overdosing.

I really want to cut I have such a strong urge to. Went to church today with my family for mother’s day and then went to my mom’s to have lunch it was a blast.

I feel like I am in a gray area right now and could go either way but feel I’m skipping the wrong way and nobody cares if I did kill myself I know my family would but I’m hurting so bad I feel like I am in my own prison and don’t know what I did to deserve it. I’m silently suffering but look fine on the outside. I’m crying for help but nobody hears me or is listening.

If I cut will it stop the urges to kill myself? Probably not I might cut my wrists so deep it cuts an artery and my life’s blood will spill out everywhere and I will no longer be in my silent prison.

I can’t sleep very good at all at night. I sleep better when the sun starts coming up. I’m afraid of trying medicines now beacuse so far both the antidepresents I was on caused me to want to kill myself I really thought I was going to the last time I didn’t want to tell anyone what was going on. I had a plan and know without a doubt I had full intentions of doing it but their was a line of defence with my family. Now I wonder if I should of not told anybody at all and just followed through with my plan.

I want to find my special someone and start a family. I feel like it will never happen and my dreams are crushed before they even start to blossom into anything.

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