my plan

May 21,2019

Siting under the trees listening to the wild life. feeling the fresh air in my lungs.taking my bottles of pills that will cure me from ever feeling this way again. Everyone else has failed their job’s i won’t fail.

Feeling the handle of the knife in my hand and feeling secure becuse if the pills don’t work the knife will.

My last breath in the fresh air

this was my plan and i was going to follow through with it i had just started getting help again with my mental illness and was just so tired and numb. I am now working on DBT number one treatment for borderline personality disorder and thought i would give it a chance i can always come back to killing myself but cant come back to try to live again.

this plan does keep circling around in my head and sometimes i want to just act on the urge to end it all but i fight it over and over again on a daily basis even in my sleep i dream about it theirs no getting away from it.

On different anti depresant

May 15,2019

Wen’t to mentor today. I’m feeling exhausted like I have no energy and haven’t slept in a long time.

I’m enjoying the sun today.

May 17,2019

I have started to pace, I feel like I have so much energy and just need to keep walking.

I’m so numb I just want to feel again. I had the urge to smash my head through the car window today. Been so agitated and get so upset at my family without reason.

My mind is racing and I try to keep up when talking and my words get slurred beacuse I’m talking so fast.

May 18,2019

When I had cut myself I was seeing if hurting myself would stop the urges

May 20,2019

I’m afraid that this med I am on now is doing the same things as the last one. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world and to think I might have to keep going through this until they find the right med it’s torture.

The OCD is making all this worse by replaying my thoughts over and over of wanting to kill myself it feels like inhuman torture. If I had severe burns I would be taken cared of and people would understand that what I’m going through is real beacuse they could see it. I’m going through my own silent war not knowing which side is going to win and caring less and less of the outcome as long as this pain and hurt goes away. I feel like I can scream help as loud and as much as I want but nobody is going to come running beacuse they can’t see what is going on inside my head and think everything is fine.

When I think of different ways I could kill myself, I feel a sense of peace and that is what scares me. I have a case manager now but because of my autism it’s hard to talk to her and know what I’m supposed to talk about and to open up because I have trust issues. It feels like a game of roulette I’m playing by myself can I get help before the bullet gets fired before it’s GAME OVER?

It’s becoming the norm to go through the actions that are required for the day but feeling like it wasn’t even me, that i wasn’t even really there. The hard part is that my family can see that somethings wrong even the kids. i cant even pretend I’m having fun or am OK anymore. I’m getting lost in my head. the only relief i have found is sleep and that doesn’t work the best because I’m not sleeping very good.

When it all started going down hill

May 11,2019

It’s mother’s day tomorrow and I’m excited but also worried beacuse on special days I feel like at the end of the day that it’s a distant memory and that I wasn’t even there it’s a sad strange feeling.

I want the thoughts and pictures of how I could hurt and kill myself out of my head it makes life harder to deal with. I also get thoughts like “do it” and “do it now” pushing me to hurt or kill myself. I’m fighting with myself not knowing what I truly want. My plan of taking pills and a knife going outside in the woods leaning on a tree and overdosing and using the knife if the pills don’t work I keep thinking about it. When I was on a certain antidepressant I almost couldn’t fight the urge and would of killed myself if it wasn’t for my family now I can fight the urges.

I want the feeling of having a quality of life again. I feel beacuse I don’t open up easy and come off shy to people other then my family that people don’t take me seriously.

I miss my little grandma she was little hence the name little grandma. I miss her so much and want to be in heaven with her.

I feel so drained all the time and just don’t have much energy that sometimes geting through the day is torture. My mind is always going and beacuse of my OCD thoughts are playing over and over like a broken record. My depressed thoughts.

It seems like I am on a roller coaster with UPS and downs. I want to have interest in things I enjoy doing again.

May 12,2019

I’m so tired and I can’t seem to wake up. I went to bed at around 10:30pm and woke up at 7:00am. I feel like taking all my pills and overdosing.

I really want to cut I have such a strong urge to. Went to church today with my family for mother’s day and then went to my mom’s to have lunch it was a blast.

I feel like I am in a gray area right now and could go either way but feel I’m skipping the wrong way and nobody cares if I did kill myself I know my family would but I’m hurting so bad I feel like I am in my own prison and don’t know what I did to deserve it. I’m silently suffering but look fine on the outside. I’m crying for help but nobody hears me or is listening.

If I cut will it stop the urges to kill myself? Probably not I might cut my wrists so deep it cuts an artery and my life’s blood will spill out everywhere and I will no longer be in my silent prison.

I can’t sleep very good at all at night. I sleep better when the sun starts coming up. I’m afraid of trying medicines now beacuse so far both the antidepresents I was on caused me to want to kill myself I really thought I was going to the last time I didn’t want to tell anyone what was going on. I had a plan and know without a doubt I had full intentions of doing it but their was a line of defence with my family. Now I wonder if I should of not told anybody at all and just followed through with my plan.

I want to find my special someone and start a family. I feel like it will never happen and my dreams are crushed before they even start to blossom into anything.