On med’s again

I’m having some out of body expreiences like I am watching myself but I’m not in my body.

My med’s are helping with my anxiety and ocd and my mood a little bit but my depression is still high.

Maybe if I wasn’t here my family would be better off.

why couldn’t I of just killed myself without letting anyone know my plan? I am in a in-patient treatment center now.

I feel like I am in a bad dream. Can killing myself wake me up from this nightmare?

How much fight do I have left?

One day at a time

My thought’s are not repeating as much as it has been

Still not doing or interested in any of the thing’s I had enjoyed doing. I was happy a little while this morning.

I’m lost in my head alot. I feel like I am going through the motions but I don’t feel like I’m here.

I’m so numb to life, to this world I’m living in.

I’m so tired of fighting myself and my thoughts.

whatever happens,happens

What if I’m the reason all these bad thing’s happen to me and my family.

I managed to attempt to play a video game yesterday but only could play it for 15 min I slept all day yesterday. I can’t seem to get myself to do anything and enjoy it.

One of the only thing’s I do that is productive is watch and care for my nieces but I can’t manage to even play and laugh with them like before.

I’m in my silent prison, how do I end this? I know one way to end this is to kill myself it would set me free but I want to be here for my family.

I’m so numb and tired

I’m so tired I just wan’t to let go.

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falling even more

When I think I couldn’t slip any deeper I keep going deeper and deeper into my depression and now I’m on nothing for anything. I’m spiraling out of control.

I feel i am doing all I can to keep myself safe, I have nothing left. I’m caring less and less and am reasoning in my mind that everybody would be fine without me, well they would have to.

Is this even the real world or am I living in my own nightmare?

I’ve been snapping at my family and cant seem to control it which makes me want to kill myself even more. I wouldn’t be here to hurt them anymore.

Thoughts will enter my head that doesn’t feel like mine telling me to things like “do it”, “do it now”, “kill yourself”,”hurt yourself”.

I don’t know how much longer I can hold on for.

I’m not always thinking clearly, my brain is always racing

I have major depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD and newly diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

My brain isn’t always making sense for an example, I was taking a bath and moved my leg which caused movement in the water and i thought oh shark. for a split second i truly thought their was a shark in my bath water.

I’m finding it extremely difficult to even get up and do anything.

I have a feeling I’m distancing myself from my family so if I end up killing myself I won’t hurt them as bad.

sleep is the only relief I have found

When I’m home I just stay in my room.

I’m starting to feel like I’m gone on the inside.

I can’t socialize and communicate all the time like other people it’s really difficult having autism along with mental illness.

Lonely

may 25,2019

when I hangout with my family I feel they forget about me even though I’m right there or that they don’t want me there. I feel no matter how much I try I just feel pushed aside. I make thing’s worse.

I feel like I’m constantly being watched. I look around expecting someone to be there watching me.

they took me off all my med’s because the doctor thought that the mood stabilizer wasn’t helping with my depression not realizing it helped a lot with my ocd. the anti depressant I was put on made me almost kill myself so now I am on nothing. I have been on the one med since I was eight years old and I am struggling badly.

may 26,2019

my thought’s are making less since to me like they are all jumbled around and they keep coming. I feel I don’t fit in this world anymore, like I’m a puzzle piece that got broken and no longer connect to the other pieces.

Are people taking me seriously? It feel’s so real to me with the suicidal thoughts. when I was on the anti depressants they made it a lot worse.

I feel such a strong urge to bash my head in.

To stab myself in the stomach.

To cut myself on my wrist and watch my life’s blood come out.

When I picture myself doing these thing’s I feel at peace. what if i unconsciously do something because I think and picture it all the time, it would be a relief. I would be at peace.

one of my step dad’s family members a couple years back killed himself. I don’t see it as morbid anymore like I used to. I could be with my grandma again.

I’m in limbo right now and it makes me feel like nobody cares, that they think I won’t do it. They are wrong about that. I’m not on any med’s right now and don’t know how long I have to wait until my doctor try’s again.

How long can I hold on until I no longer can or even wan’t to. I did my part I got help if they can’t help I have only one option left.

When should someone even consider hospitalization?

I don’t know where I stand anymore, which way I should lean. Towards life or death? I’m tilting more towards death. The only person that I believe know’s how bad things really are is my mom. The first med they put me on had her very worried. She told me she doesn’t want to lose a daughter to suicide. She knows how close to the edge I was.

I don’t know what I would do if the next med does the same thing, reach out or let myself fall?

my plan

May 21,2019

Siting under the trees listening to the wild life. feeling the fresh air in my lungs.taking my bottles of pills that will cure me from ever feeling this way again. Everyone else has failed their job’s i won’t fail.

Feeling the handle of the knife in my hand and feeling secure becuse if the pills don’t work the knife will.

My last breath in the fresh air

this was my plan and i was going to follow through with it i had just started getting help again with my mental illness and was just so tired and numb. I am now working on DBT number one treatment for borderline personality disorder and thought i would give it a chance i can always come back to killing myself but cant come back to try to live again.

this plan does keep circling around in my head and sometimes i want to just act on the urge to end it all but i fight it over and over again on a daily basis even in my sleep i dream about it theirs no getting away from it.

On different anti depresant

May 15,2019

Wen’t to mentor today. I’m feeling exhausted like I have no energy and haven’t slept in a long time.

I’m enjoying the sun today.

May 17,2019

I have started to pace, I feel like I have so much energy and just need to keep walking.

I’m so numb I just want to feel again. I had the urge to smash my head through the car window today. Been so agitated and get so upset at my family without reason.

My mind is racing and I try to keep up when talking and my words get slurred beacuse I’m talking so fast.

May 18,2019

When I had cut myself I was seeing if hurting myself would stop the urges

May 20,2019

I’m afraid that this med I am on now is doing the same things as the last one. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world and to think I might have to keep going through this until they find the right med it’s torture.

The OCD is making all this worse by replaying my thoughts over and over of wanting to kill myself it feels like inhuman torture. If I had severe burns I would be taken cared of and people would understand that what I’m going through is real beacuse they could see it. I’m going through my own silent war not knowing which side is going to win and caring less and less of the outcome as long as this pain and hurt goes away. I feel like I can scream help as loud and as much as I want but nobody is going to come running beacuse they can’t see what is going on inside my head and think everything is fine.

When I think of different ways I could kill myself, I feel a sense of peace and that is what scares me. I have a case manager now but because of my autism it’s hard to talk to her and know what I’m supposed to talk about and to open up because I have trust issues. It feels like a game of roulette I’m playing by myself can I get help before the bullet gets fired before it’s GAME OVER?

It’s becoming the norm to go through the actions that are required for the day but feeling like it wasn’t even me, that i wasn’t even really there. The hard part is that my family can see that somethings wrong even the kids. i cant even pretend I’m having fun or am OK anymore. I’m getting lost in my head. the only relief i have found is sleep and that doesn’t work the best because I’m not sleeping very good.

When it all started going down hill

May 11,2019

It’s mother’s day tomorrow and I’m excited but also worried beacuse on special days I feel like at the end of the day that it’s a distant memory and that I wasn’t even there it’s a sad strange feeling.

I want the thoughts and pictures of how I could hurt and kill myself out of my head it makes life harder to deal with. I also get thoughts like “do it” and “do it now” pushing me to hurt or kill myself. I’m fighting with myself not knowing what I truly want. My plan of taking pills and a knife going outside in the woods leaning on a tree and overdosing and using the knife if the pills don’t work I keep thinking about it. When I was on a certain antidepressant I almost couldn’t fight the urge and would of killed myself if it wasn’t for my family now I can fight the urges.

I want the feeling of having a quality of life again. I feel beacuse I don’t open up easy and come off shy to people other then my family that people don’t take me seriously.

I miss my little grandma she was little hence the name little grandma. I miss her so much and want to be in heaven with her.

I feel so drained all the time and just don’t have much energy that sometimes geting through the day is torture. My mind is always going and beacuse of my OCD thoughts are playing over and over like a broken record. My depressed thoughts.

It seems like I am on a roller coaster with UPS and downs. I want to have interest in things I enjoy doing again.

May 12,2019

I’m so tired and I can’t seem to wake up. I went to bed at around 10:30pm and woke up at 7:00am. I feel like taking all my pills and overdosing.

I really want to cut I have such a strong urge to. Went to church today with my family for mother’s day and then went to my mom’s to have lunch it was a blast.

I feel like I am in a gray area right now and could go either way but feel I’m skipping the wrong way and nobody cares if I did kill myself I know my family would but I’m hurting so bad I feel like I am in my own prison and don’t know what I did to deserve it. I’m silently suffering but look fine on the outside. I’m crying for help but nobody hears me or is listening.

If I cut will it stop the urges to kill myself? Probably not I might cut my wrists so deep it cuts an artery and my life’s blood will spill out everywhere and I will no longer be in my silent prison.

I can’t sleep very good at all at night. I sleep better when the sun starts coming up. I’m afraid of trying medicines now beacuse so far both the antidepresents I was on caused me to want to kill myself I really thought I was going to the last time I didn’t want to tell anyone what was going on. I had a plan and know without a doubt I had full intentions of doing it but their was a line of defence with my family. Now I wonder if I should of not told anybody at all and just followed through with my plan.

I want to find my special someone and start a family. I feel like it will never happen and my dreams are crushed before they even start to blossom into anything.